I'm Feeling Old Today.

So, my friends got me hooked on myspace and facebook. I keep finding all these people I knew in HS and JHS. It's been 9 years since I graduated HS and I now have 3 kids and a husband. I didn't see this 9 years ago. It's a good place to be though. I don't feel completely satisfied. Everytime I aquire something, I realize I require more. Then there's the fact that my baby is not a baby anymore. He's so big. In school reading and writing. I'm almost 30, not there yet but close. It's not old but it sure is a far cry from 17. Oh to be a teenager again. Oh well, better days ahead. Right???

All for the good.

Nobody is perfect. We all go through issues and hard times yet we get through it. It's just amazing that nomatter how hard or scary the situation is, we always seem to survive. Sometimes we feel like (or make our situations seem) like it's the end of the world. But the fact of the matter is life goes on and things do look up. I think the only constant in life is that things must change. The biggest misconception is that "what goes up must come down". How hard do you have to work to change your direction in life? The road may not be so easy and the hills may feel a little steep at times, but once you start to go up, you've got to keep going.
My year didn't start out so great, and at times even felt absolutely hopeless, but it all worked out. Our finances are looking up, the baby is here happy and healthy, and we're out on our own. Suddenly the mess we were in doesn't seem so bad now that we're out. I guess I learned we all go through our issues, but I guess that's just it. We go through.

New Beginning

So by January 1st of this year I was married and had a new baby on the way. My husband is great, my children are great and I'm looking forward to the new one. As you can imagine with 2 children and a pregnancy and getting a feel for the married life at the same time, things can be kind of difficult. Yet and still I am loving my new life all the same. I'm glad we didn't wait to get married but the wedding put us back a bit financially. We are trying to get out of that hole now but it hasn't dampened any of my enthusiasm about the whole thing. I figure our difficulty right now is only temporary but our goal is to make this marriage and family last forever. So we work on everything daily. We say goodnight and I love you before we go to bed. We say have a good day when he leaves for work. We call eachother during the day just to make sure the otherone is okay. We spend time with the kids. We eat dinner at the table so we can all just talk. We read bedtime stories and tuck the children in. And at the end of every night we take a few moments for ourselves. I think if we continue inthis pattern, when the emotional hardtimes come, we'll be able to get through it. We just pray on all of our situations and do the best we can. I think this new life will be just fine.

Why?

So as not to shame the guilty I won't reveal the name. I was having a conversation earlier this week and I'm still thinking about it. I don't remember the initial topic, but the discussion turned into "Why would God make ugly people"? Not just ugly on the outside but physically ugly came out first. And please non of this beauty in the eye of the beholder and who says what's beautiful and what's not crap, we all know at least one ugly person. I don't understand it. I understand diversity but to make people that just aren't as good-looking as others is just mean. Then I thought for a second that maybe we were mean for discussing such a topic, but I took that thought back. I'm not the prettiest thing walking, but why must there be levels. Why can't we all be beautiful? How come we can't just look at each other and say "you're really attractive" and mean it because it's true? I'm not talking about preferences: light eyes, dark eyes, curly hair straight hair, skin tone, ethnicity and all that stuff, nor people with deformities. I mean just inexplicably ugly. You can't even say why they are ugly, they just are. The better looking you are, the better people treat you. Ugly people just have it hard, and God being all knowing, He knew people would act like that so why not just make the playing ground even? I don't have an answer, I just really wanna know.

I'm Learning

I had my son and we spent a good 3 years and some change together. Just the two of us. I got pregnant with my daughter and I think my biggest fear was how I was going to love somebody else. My son is my friend. We share laughs, have good conversations and he's just cool to be around. I almost felt bad for the new baby cuz I couldn't figure out how I could love anyone else as much as I already love him. I didn't want this poor baby to spend her life in his shadow. Never being as good as him in my mind because she wasn't him. Even after she came, I found myself spending more time with him than the baby. I noticed the pattern and started trying to divide my time as evenly as possible. AS I spent more time with the baby I got to know her. She has her own personality. She's funny and cute and smart and aware. She's not at all like my son, but in so many ways she's exactly like him. The more I get to know her the more I love her. I'm learning to love her. I'm learning who she is. We're beginning to fit together. Not just she and I, but my son as well. She didn't just fit into the mix of what my son and I already had, she recreated our family. Here I was thinking another baby would mess things up, and she came and made it better. I love them equally but differenly, but finally I learned to love them both. I'm working out how to deal with them everyday. One is a few years older than the other so I can't treat them exactly the same but I can love them that way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'm learning that too.

What The Hell Was That???

I just had to break-up a fight at work between some tennaged boys. I don't understand that crap.I spent a good part of my morning telling these boys to leave eachother alone and as soon as they got the chance, they jumped the kid in the staircase. I don't remember exactly how I thought as a teen, but I know that right now fighting makes no sense to me. What could possibly be going on in your mind when you think it's ok to have a few of your friends help you beat somebody down? Maybe it's just me in my old age. I just don't get it. We do it to ourselves all the time, yet we want to blame the system, the white man, and the rest of the world. It's everybodys fault but our own. If I could get through one month without these kids trying to kill eachother I'd be great. People find out what I do and immediately they want to fear for my safety, but I tell them all the time: the kids don't bother me, it's stopping them from killing eachother that makes it work. How sad is that?!

Decisions, Decisions

I was talking to someone earlier who gave me my thought for the day. As a side note you can guess what kind of day I've had if I didn't get a daily thought until almost 9 pm. Anyhoo, the statement was made (more or less) that if I'm going to do something, I wanna be remembered. My foolish response was I don't wanna be remembered, I wanna get paid. A few minutes after I said it, I realized I do wanna be remembered. I guess I do wanna leave some mark on my little corner of the world. I don't want fame. I don't need to be recognized when I walk down the street. What I do want is to leave my non-erasable impression on the minds of those who know me. When I'm gone I want them to speak well of me. I want them to say I was good at what I did, not just that I did it and I died. I'm quite a memorable person. I'm just not always known for doing something good. So here may be my chance to do something redeemable. To re-write my name. To use all those good qualities just lying around in the closet of my mind. Or I could go the route I started. I'd be good, but I'd just be doing it. My issue is I've gotten used to doing things and liking what I do is not really necessary. I know I'm blurbing right now, but go with me. So here's my problem I guess: to do what I know or to take a chance doing what I love. You wouldn't think it's such a hard choice, but it is. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet, but I do know that whatever I choose I've decided to make it memorable.