Why?

So as not to shame the guilty I won't reveal the name. I was having a conversation earlier this week and I'm still thinking about it. I don't remember the initial topic, but the discussion turned into "Why would God make ugly people"? Not just ugly on the outside but physically ugly came out first. And please non of this beauty in the eye of the beholder and who says what's beautiful and what's not crap, we all know at least one ugly person. I don't understand it. I understand diversity but to make people that just aren't as good-looking as others is just mean. Then I thought for a second that maybe we were mean for discussing such a topic, but I took that thought back. I'm not the prettiest thing walking, but why must there be levels. Why can't we all be beautiful? How come we can't just look at each other and say "you're really attractive" and mean it because it's true? I'm not talking about preferences: light eyes, dark eyes, curly hair straight hair, skin tone, ethnicity and all that stuff, nor people with deformities. I mean just inexplicably ugly. You can't even say why they are ugly, they just are. The better looking you are, the better people treat you. Ugly people just have it hard, and God being all knowing, He knew people would act like that so why not just make the playing ground even? I don't have an answer, I just really wanna know.

I'm Learning

I had my son and we spent a good 3 years and some change together. Just the two of us. I got pregnant with my daughter and I think my biggest fear was how I was going to love somebody else. My son is my friend. We share laughs, have good conversations and he's just cool to be around. I almost felt bad for the new baby cuz I couldn't figure out how I could love anyone else as much as I already love him. I didn't want this poor baby to spend her life in his shadow. Never being as good as him in my mind because she wasn't him. Even after she came, I found myself spending more time with him than the baby. I noticed the pattern and started trying to divide my time as evenly as possible. AS I spent more time with the baby I got to know her. She has her own personality. She's funny and cute and smart and aware. She's not at all like my son, but in so many ways she's exactly like him. The more I get to know her the more I love her. I'm learning to love her. I'm learning who she is. We're beginning to fit together. Not just she and I, but my son as well. She didn't just fit into the mix of what my son and I already had, she recreated our family. Here I was thinking another baby would mess things up, and she came and made it better. I love them equally but differenly, but finally I learned to love them both. I'm working out how to deal with them everyday. One is a few years older than the other so I can't treat them exactly the same but I can love them that way. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'm learning that too.

What The Hell Was That???

I just had to break-up a fight at work between some tennaged boys. I don't understand that crap.I spent a good part of my morning telling these boys to leave eachother alone and as soon as they got the chance, they jumped the kid in the staircase. I don't remember exactly how I thought as a teen, but I know that right now fighting makes no sense to me. What could possibly be going on in your mind when you think it's ok to have a few of your friends help you beat somebody down? Maybe it's just me in my old age. I just don't get it. We do it to ourselves all the time, yet we want to blame the system, the white man, and the rest of the world. It's everybodys fault but our own. If I could get through one month without these kids trying to kill eachother I'd be great. People find out what I do and immediately they want to fear for my safety, but I tell them all the time: the kids don't bother me, it's stopping them from killing eachother that makes it work. How sad is that?!

Decisions, Decisions

I was talking to someone earlier who gave me my thought for the day. As a side note you can guess what kind of day I've had if I didn't get a daily thought until almost 9 pm. Anyhoo, the statement was made (more or less) that if I'm going to do something, I wanna be remembered. My foolish response was I don't wanna be remembered, I wanna get paid. A few minutes after I said it, I realized I do wanna be remembered. I guess I do wanna leave some mark on my little corner of the world. I don't want fame. I don't need to be recognized when I walk down the street. What I do want is to leave my non-erasable impression on the minds of those who know me. When I'm gone I want them to speak well of me. I want them to say I was good at what I did, not just that I did it and I died. I'm quite a memorable person. I'm just not always known for doing something good. So here may be my chance to do something redeemable. To re-write my name. To use all those good qualities just lying around in the closet of my mind. Or I could go the route I started. I'd be good, but I'd just be doing it. My issue is I've gotten used to doing things and liking what I do is not really necessary. I know I'm blurbing right now, but go with me. So here's my problem I guess: to do what I know or to take a chance doing what I love. You wouldn't think it's such a hard choice, but it is. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet, but I do know that whatever I choose I've decided to make it memorable.

Just an Ordinary Day

I'm not having a spectacular day, but those days are highly over rated. Days that are "worth talking about" can go either way. They are so extraordinarily good that you have to tell someone or they are horrible and you just need to get it off your chest. It's too much of a gamble to wait for something exciting to happen. Unfortunately, exciting is not always good. I think I'm learning to appreciate regular days. The days when nothing is out of the ordinary. The days when order, routine and familiarity seem to prevail. Today was one of those days and though there was a time when that may upset me, today they suit me just fine.

Never Satisfied

I've got a pretty ok job that I can't stand. It's ok in the fact that I can take care of my needs and maintain a good lifestyle, I just can't stand it because it's not what I want to do. So I decide after five years of just working, to go back to school. But low and behold, I hate school. I despise homework, the reading is horribly boring (for most of my courses), and I'm just not used to this anymore. This seems to be a pattern for me. I want it, I go get it, then I don't want it anymore. So now what happens? I go to college spend all this money and time to get the degree I want, so I can get the job I want and after the shower of blessings, I don't want it anymore. Is this what life is like on the wheel? Constantly reliving the cycle no matter what cage you're in? Is it determination, drive, lack of maturity or just never being satisfied? No matter what the case, when is enough enough?